Seven Days Of Christmas
by Trishata96
Summary: The Normandy has to land for a week on an winter wonderland, meaning the crew have to spend Christmas on the ship. Join them as they celebrate and play pranks on each other.
1. Landing

**Seven Days Of Christmas**

**I'm in a festive mood and well, so are the plot bunnies. The Normandy has to land on a snowy planet for a week and none of the crew intend on missing proper Christmas celebrations.**

Day One: Santa's Sleigh's Broke Down

"Joker! What's with the Alarms?" Yelled Shepard as she ran into the cockpit, everything lit red by the emergency lighting. Alarms were blaring all over the ship. Joker's hands were a blur over the console and his face panicked. Kaidan barged past Shepard, muttering an apology and jumped into the seat to the right of Joker. The sentinel must have ran from his sleeping pod as he had no boots or socks on. His hair also was messed up, bit's sticking out at odd angles. He also looked a touch grouchy. Hell, Artemis would have been if she was an L2 just awoken by head splitting alarms.

"We've got a major leak in all of the cooling tanks. I'm gonna have to put her down Commander." Replied Joker.

"Do it. And for God's sake turn off the Alarms! I think everyone's awake now!"

"But Wrex is still awa…" Started Joker, preparing a jibe towards the Krogan, then he caught sight of a certain solider storming towards him. Like Kaidan, Ashley didn't have any shoes on and her hair was not in it's usual bun. The stormy expression on her face made Joker pale and quickly turn off the alarms. Noticeably he sank a little in his chair, while Kaidan smiled as he rubbed his temples. Ashley came right up to the chair and glared at the pilot.

"For your information Wrex is awake." She simply said before whacking Joker on the back of the head. "That is for disturbing my beauty sleep." She muttered stalking away. Joker then yelped again as Kaidan smacked him too, this time knocking Joker's hat off, he then chucked it to Ashley.

"And that is for giving me a migraine. Now 'scuse me I need to get some painkillers ." As he left, Joker swore under his breath. The pilot then looked at Artemis with narrowed eyes.

"Joker, I am not going to hit you. Just land the ship."

2 hours later

"A week… we are going to be stuck here… on planet Hoth for a week?" Said Shepard slowly. Behind her mask, Tali's brow furrowed.

"But the planet's name is Faerun not Hoth." Shepard looked at everyone's confused faces.

"Hoth… if you get the reference put your hand up." Kaidan's hand was the only one that went up. She sighed and Kaidan looked slightly surprised. He looked at Ashley.

"Seriously you have never watched Star Wars?" He muttered, putting his hand down as Ashley shrugged.

"Anyway moving on. This means we are not going to be able to spend Christmas on the citadel." All of the humans immediately groaned, disappointed. While the aliens scratched at their heads. Ashley seemed to be the most disappointed. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, she had turned from solider to spy. Going though belongings and eavesdropping to figure out the perfect Christmas presents. "Yet, I am sure Ashley has a few back up plans, considering the three crates of Christmas decorations in the cargo bay." Muttered Shepard accusingly, looking at Williams. Faking innocence Ashley quickly left the room.

"Yep that proves it. She is up to something." Grumbled Shepard.

"Ma'am. With all due respect, none of us are going to interfere."

"Neither am I, Kaidan."

**This will be a series of one shots, one per day of the week, of how the Normandy crew celebrate Christmas and how they prank each other.**

**Day 2: Operation Deck the Halls!**


	2. Operation Deck The Halls

**Day 2: Operation Deck The Halls!**

Chief Elf snuck out of the lift carrying a box with her two companions, Mrs. Santa and Little Helper. She checked to see if the coast was clear. Luckily Shepard had said shifts weren't necessary, so everyone was in their pods, napping in the CIC chairs or camped out in the cargo bay.

"Mrs. Santa, you've got the med bay. Make it then the hospitals on the citadel. Little Helper, you've got the sleeping pods and the mess. Remember to put that special something above Kaidan's terminal. I've got dibs on the CIC. Rendezvous at the Galaxy map to decorate the tree." With the orders given they set out. Since everyone was fast asleep, Chief Elf had no trouble in stringing the lights around and setting up the tree. Soon she was hanging baubles in the cockpit, struggling to stifle her giggles. A rustling and similar giggles told her that Mrs. Santa and Little helper were already decorating the tree.

Now for the crowning glory.

Grinning her head off, she pulled out Joker's new cap. She had been able to find a spare SR1 cap and had stitched a reindeer antler headband to it. Underneath SR1 she had emblazed Rudolf in bright and sparkly sequins. Quickly she crowned Joker and took a picture. Then ran like hell before she howled her head off with laughter. Chief Elf, Mrs. Santa and Little Helper promptly ran back to their bunks, giggling like school girls and high-fiving.

In The Morning

Shepard took one step out of her quarters before being blinded. After she had recovered from the glare, she scrutinised her surrounding and mentally decided she needed two cups of coffee before she started the day. Somehow the Normandy had been turned into… well… Santa's Grotto. Paper chains and lights of various festive colours were strung around the ship.

Rounding the corner, she saw Kaidan already wide awake, working on his console. For some reason he had an stormy expression on his face. Slipping behind him she got to the coffee machine. Who had thought it'd a good idea to put it right next to a work terminal. Kaidan must have to be slightly annoyed by constantly getting disturbed. Most crewmembers were looking around in amazement and bewilderment. At the mess table, Ashley seemed to be explaining Christmas to Liara and Garrus.

"Wait until you see the CIC." Said Kaidan out of the blue. Shepard looked at him, an eyebrow arched.

"Really? What did Santa's little elves do?"

"Well a Christmas tree appeared out of no where in the middle of the Galaxy map. Joker can not turn without disturbing baubles and just going in there gives me a migraine." Came the reply. " Though they did a good number on Joker."

"Oh dear, was he a naughty boy?" Grinning Kaidan, powered up his Omni-tool and showed her an picture that had been sent to everyone on the ship. There Joker was, fast asleep in his chair with a lovely cap on. Artemis quickly clamped a hand over her mouth to stop the laughter.

"As you can understand he wasn't a happy Rudolf when he woke up. I wouldn't recommend teasing him, he threatened me with a blunt knife, a cheese grater and my reproductive organs." While Kaidan talked, Shepard noticed Dr Chakwas come over.

"Ahh, Kaidan. Here's some painkillers. I take a guess that all these decorations are starting to give you a head ache." Kaidan accepted the painkillers and thanked her. Then suddenly Dr. Chakwas leaned forward and gave Kaidan a peck on the check and walked back to her med bay. Shepard stood there in completely bewildered, while the sentinel turned an impressive shade of red. There was several bellows of laughter from the mess.

"Alenko, what the hell just happened?"

"Somebody thought it'd be fun to put mistletoe above my workstation. I can't get it down cos of a kinetic barrier." He shot a venomous look at a certain Gunnery Chief who was now explaining the Mistletoe tradition. Shepard looked up and there was a branch of Mistletoe above Kaidan. "Every woman on the ship excluding Tali, Liara and yourself has kissed me on the check now." He grumbled darkly. And speak of the Devil Tali appeared from the elevator and walked over with a pad.

"Oh Kaidan, Adams wanted you to have a look at these." While Kaidan studied the pad, Tali pressed her fingers to her audio output unit then pressed the fingers against Kaidan cheek. As Kaidan attempted the impossible task of turning even more red, Tali skipped off.

"Make that me and Liara."

**1 Kudo for whoever guesses who Chief Elf is**

**50 Kudos and 5 Virtual cookies for whoever guesses who Mrs. Santa and Little Helper are.**

**Sorry for any Grammer or spelling mistakes, it's nearly eleven over here in the UK and I'm attempting to get one of these out per day.**

**Chapter 3: Carrolling.**


	3. Carrolling

**Day 3: Carolling**

"No!"

"But Shepar…"

"Ashley, No!"

"Don't be a Grinch."

"Ashley. No carolling."

"Why?" Whined Ashley pretty much sitting on the same chair as Artemis. The Gunnery Chief had puppy eyes turned on and looked pleadingly at her commander.

"I have a headache, Ash." Muttered Shepard, pushing Ashley back into her seat as Kaidan approached with the tray of coffees. Ashley pouted and shooting a venomous look at Shepard, faced Kaidan.

"She said no." Kaidan's Eyebrow arched up his forehead. He looked at Shepard in utter bewilderment. Sitting down he crossed his arms.

"But what's wrong with singing. It isn't Christmas without singing." Artemis was surprised at the disappointment in Alenko's voice. Damn now she felt like she had kicked his puppy.

"Really? What did you do on Christmas when you were little?" Ashley leaned forward in her seat.

"On Christmas Eve me and mum always went out to carol. Dad too if he was back from duty." His eyes seemed to glaze over.

"Look I know it's a favourite past time for you lot but please leave the singing till Joker's Karaoke."

"Buuut Shepaard…" Chorused the two Marines. Shepard looked back and forth between them.

_Ashley uses Puppy Eyes.  
Puppy eyes ineffective._ She thought to herself. Then she looked at Kaidan's now wide chocolate eyes.  
_Kaidan Uses adorable Puppy Eyes.  
Adorable Puppy eyes affective.  
Shepard persuaded._

"Fine. You can sing. On the one condition. You both write a unique Christmassy song relating to our adventures."

"Damn you Shepard!" Muttered Kaidan, quickly adding "Ma'am". Artemis then went off to talk to Joker as the two marines scowled. Determination on his face Kaidan pulled out a data pad and began typing away while Ashley grabbed the rest of the offshore team to help with the lyrics. Garrus turned out to be a great help after Ashley got him away from his Dextro mince pie.

"I really don't see what the point of singing is, though Lieutenant you may want to relax a bit." He muttered, trying to get his pie off Ashley.

"I am not letting Shepard win at this. Christmas is not Christmas without carolling. Some days I want to ki… hug her other days I want to throttle her. Guess which sort of day it is." Kaidan replied, a fire of determination had been stroked inside him. Garrus just sighed and decided to fall back on the age old human tradition of 'I'm not asking'.

Later

Shepard was silently wondering whether her little joke on Kaidan and Ashley had riled them up a bit too much. As if she would ban carolling, it was great. Especially for pick pocketing. Maybe she ought to tell them that she was only pulling their legs, but then again she was curious what they'd come up with. She came out of her cabin to come face to face with the majority of her crew. Including the Aliens and even Joker. They all stood there with Data pads in hand and all wearing Santa hats. Ashley had somehow managed to trim her uniform with tinsel. Understandably she was slightly dumbfounded especially when they began singing.

_On the Twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me  
Twelve Turian insignias  
Elven space monkeys  
Ten Matriarch writings  
Nine bored Marines  
Eight Mineral deposits  
Seven Prothean discs  
Six Asari Clones  
Five Outrages  
Four Salarian tags  
Three Annoying Councillers  
Two Pesky Beacons  
And a Shepard kicking Ass._

Shepard just stood there mouth ajar for a minute before bellowing with laughter and running forward to hug both Ash and Kaidan. "Okay. You can have carolling! That was awesome!"

**The Puppy eyes in/effective is a nod to Pokemon. When i was writing this my Boyfriend and friend were talking about Pokemon and it kinda got stuck in my head.**** I also got sorta stumped on the Carol lyrics at points. If you have ideas for different lines tell me and I'll make an edit as I'm not really happy at how it turned out.**


	4. Santa, Elf, Rudolf

**Day Four: Dress Up**

_What is she up to? _Thought Ashley as she followed Shepard. She had found her Commander rooting though the costume box she had smuggled on board. Ashley had thought she had hidden it well. Artemis had placed a few things into a bag then calmly walked off to a cluster of crates. When she had gotten Shepard back into her sight, she was quite surprised.

It seemed that somebody had been hosting an unknown poker game and the players had fallen asleep. There was Wrex, head thrown back, gently snoring as Shepard carefully attached a beard to his chin and placed a hat on his head. Stretched across the table was Joker, muttering in his sleep, a few bottles of beer next to him. Then there was Kaidan leaning back in his chair, chin tucked into his chest. LT definitely looked cute when he slept.

"Ashley are you gonna stand there gawping or are you going to give me a hand?" Whispered Shepard. Ashley realised with a shock that Shepard was looking straight at her, with a mischievous glint in her lilac eyes. Gingerly she stepped forward and caught the three items Artemis threw to her. "You can do Joker, I've got Kaidan." Ashley grinned when she examined the items and set to work while Shepard struggled to tug Alenko's boots off.

An Hour Later

Kaidan awoke to Wrex poking him awake, which definitely woke him up, since being woken up by a Krogan could get a squishy human worried.

"Alenko. We need to talk." Kaidan rubbed his eyes then looked at Wrex. The sight before made him ponder if he'd had too much to drink as well… when would a Krogan wear a fake beard and Santa hat?

"Wrex… what are you wearing?" He asked slowly and carefully looking for a good escape route, just in case.;

"I think the more important question is: What are _You _wearing?" Kaidan straightened in his seat and there was a slight tinkle from above his head, then a bell attached to green fabric fell into his view. Huffing angrily, he took the elf hat off then the fake ears after Wrex pointed them out too. He looked to his side where Joker was still snoring his head off. Kaidan briefly wondered if laughing out loud was a good idea.

Somehow Joker's 'Rudolf' cap had reappeared on his head. An glowing red nose illuminated the nearby beer bottles and there was a soft tinkling as Joker moved in his sleep due to the bells on the collar that had been placed around his neck. Sighing the Sentinel shook Joker.

"Hphm. Go away." Kaidan's brow furrowed and he shook Joker harder. " Sheesh. Go away, give me five more mins, Mom."

"Joker I am not your mother and wake up now!" He ordered. The effect was instant. Joker ramrod straight up in his sleep, a blush settling across his cheeks. He even saluted. Then Joker took one look at Wrex and began howling with laughter for five seconds. He then abruptly stopped and his eyes crossed as he stared at the glowing red orb on his nose.

"…I'm dressed up as Rudolf aren't I?" He asked. " Nope hang on. Stupid question. So Wrex is Santa. Kaidan?" Alenko held up the Elf hat. Joker's eyes narrowed. "Any suspects?"

" I'm betting Ashley." Kaidan said simply before standing up. He paused when he heard more bells tinkling and when he felt that something wasn't right with his face. Looking down, he began to curse. Somebody had stolen his boots! AND replaced them with green felt shoes with a curled tip crowned with a bell. Tugging them off he set off towards the lift, followed by Wrex and Joker. They found Ashley in the Mess with Artemis, seemingly planning the Christmas party. Ashley crinkled her nose and fanned the air with her hand.

"Eww. Smelly boot feet. Kaidan why are you going around barefoot?" She muttered, while Artemis arched an eyebrow.

"Cut the act Ashley. We know it was you."

"Don't know what you're talking about." Ashley stared at Kaidan for a bit until she and Shepard unexplainably began laughing.

"Okay. We confess, we're guilty." Giggled Shepard as Ashley clung to her for support. " Sorry I couldn't resist it." Wrex shook his head while the two human males both face palmed.

"As long as you didn't send pictures to everyone…" Shepard immediately began trying to look innocent. "Arty… please tell me you did not…" The two women suddenly fled and ran into Shepard's Cabin. The door reopened for a brief second and Ashley struck her head out.

"Oh and your boots are in your pod."

**I am sorry for missing out on the two days. First there was a lot of homework, then the second day i was at my boyfriend's, learning how to survive the Zombie levels on COD. I actually managed to get to round 20 in co op with him. It's kinda easy when you learn how to shoot properly, not to throw Grenades at a Zombie right in front of you and to keep your back to a wall. Anyway so i decided to give you two chapters and hopefully two tomorrow.**

**BTW  
Chief Elf was Gunnery Chief Ashley Willliams (meant to be obvious  
Mrs. Santa was Dr Karen Chakwas  
Little Helper was Tali'Zorah Nar Raaya.  
**


	5. Revenge

**Day Five: Revenge**

Shepard sighed with relief as the hot water washed over her skin, as it washed away the tight knots of stress. Stress gained from figuring out how to wrap presents. That was one thing she hated about Christmas, the wrapping. She was completely hopeless at it. Back when she was a child, you just gave it to the person as there wasn't enough credits to get the paper to wrap it. In the end Ashley and Liara had ended up wrapping them for her. She began to hum a tune as she rested her palms against the smooth metal and leaned against it. Eventually she turned off the shower and dried herself off with a towel then stepped out from behind the partition. On instinct she chucked it into the laundry chute and reached a hand out to the rail/radiator near the door, where her clothes ought to have been…

When her hand grasped at thin air, Shepard bit back several curses. She checked the floor to see if they had fallen off, nut they hadn't. Then she realised that on the rail closest to the door was a costume with a note pinned to it.

_Payback is a bitch. Isn't it? Love Joker and Kaidan_

Growling, she stuck her head out of the shower room and checked the mess. She really had to give these two points on planning, right now all the male crewmembers were settling down for another game of poker. Artemis couldn't order any of them to fetch clothes from her quarters as she had locked the door and only she could open it. Joker noticed her and give her a smug smile. Meanwhile Kaidan was avoiding the death glare off her. Great there was only way to walk out of the room and that was wearing that outfit. Silently she donned it. She would let them have this point but it would not last long. Lieutenant Commander Artemis Shepard always had the last laugh. She always did.

Smoothing it out she strode out of the shower room head held high. Silence fell across the room and Artemis paused to glare at the two men responsible.

"You two better write your wills." She snarled before heading to the cargo bay. She needed to plot with Ashley, War had just been declared.

Long after Shepard left Garrus looked at Joker and Kaidan who were both trying not to laugh.

"Seriously. A Santa babe outfit." He asked while the men high fived. Joker just grinned and said.

"Sooo worth it!"

**4 hours Later**

On hindsight he really should have seen this coming. Kaidan thought as he examined the situation he was in. As per his schedule he had gone to have his shower before dinner. Considering what he and Joker had done to Artemis, maybe leaving his clothes next to the door was a tad stupid. Furthermore what was more embarrassing was that Shepard had not left any clothes… at all. Not even a flannel. Another problem was that right now the girls on the shore party were cooking dinner. Which meant he would have to…

He scratched the back of his neck making sure to avoid his amp port. He jumped as someone banged on the door.

"Hey L-T! You finished in there?" Came the voice of a particular Gunnery Chief who sounded way, way too gleeful.

"Ashley. May I ask where my clothes are?" He asked, his voice coming out a little too high pitched. There were loud giggles outside the door.

"I believe all you need to know Alenko, is that Payback is a Bitch." Came Shepard's voice, very smug and content. "Don't worry they are in my quarters and the door's unlocked. You can leg it."

Kaidan was pretty sure he had just achieved the world record for turning the brightest shade of red. Dear god, they really wanted him to run to Shepard's quarters … _naked._ He stuck his head out of the door to see all the female crew leaning against Shepard's locker. All watching like hawks. He gulped. Shepard still wore that Santa babe outfit, it actually suited her and was snug…

_No Kaidan. Focus. Your reputation is in danger._

"Okay Shepard I'm really sorry. Can I please have my clothes back?"

"Alenko. No. Don't worry I've turned off the camera's and we will all turn around for five seconds"

"Five! But I need more than…" Shepard and all the women turned their backs suddenly.

"One. Two." Counted Arty loudly. Seizing his only chance, he legged it out. He was just about to round the corner when Ashley yelled the last three numbers quickly and he heard then all turn around. Luckily they only got a fleeting glance. But there was still wolf whistles and an outbreak of girlish giggling. Inside Shepard's Quarters he threw his clothes on.

"Oh my God! L-T! I thought that his armour just made his backside look good. But my, my… that is one fine ass." Said Ashley very loudly. Soon he had his uniform on and he legged it out of Shepard's quarters and up to the CIC. There he found Joker in the cockpit, hat pulled firmly over his face. Joker immediately held out a spare cap. Putting it on, Kaidan sat in his seat.

"What did they do to you?" Asked Joker, his voice a tiny whimper.

"They made me streak. You?"

"… they sent all my extranet bookmarks to my mother…"

"Joker. I think we may want to rectify that statement from earlier."

"Aye. That was sooo NOT worth it."

**Next Chapter: Snowball fight!**


	6. Snowball Fight

**Day Six: Snowball fight!**

If he ever had children, Kaidan Alenko would know exactly what it would feel like being woken up at half five in the morning by a excited child, well before hand. He tried to bury himself deeper into the bedroll, down in the cargo bay, hidden behind several crates. Yet Ashley just shook him by the shoulder even harder.

"LT" She whined. "Come on, it's the snowball fight today, get up." Ashley definitely fitted the over-excited and sugar high child persona. There was a yawn somewhere outside the cocoon of blankets.

"Kaidan I would get up. She is not going to give up. Trust me, I tried." Came Shepard's tired voice. Groaning Kaidan got out of his cosy sanctuary and grabbed the warm clothes on the engine coil and put them on over a hard suit. As part of a truce concerning pranks, Shepard had agreed to have a snowball fight the next day. Ashley clearly wanted to get out early and build up the ammo and maybe a bunker. The teams hadn't been decided yet, but Kaidan had a feeling it might end up humans vs. aliens. He pulled on a jumper, one Shepard had got him as a joke due to a comment he'd said on Noveria. Shepard herself, was already wrapped up warm in artic camouflage clothes. Kaidan himself was wearing black so he would stick out. Not as much as Gunnery Chief Williams though. He had never really seen Ash as the girly type, yet right before his eyes she stood, wearing pink hat, pink gloves, red and pink jumper, all trimmed with tinsel, over her old phoenix armour. The definitely woke him up, well more better than several cups of coffee with a tablespoon of sugar in. After that fiasco Shepard had been banned from making coffee for everyone else. It had taken a while for Liara to get off the sugar hype and Garrus had been sick for a week. It turned out that Turians had a severe allergy to large amounts of sugar and Asari got sugar hypes very, very easily.

"Chief, you are a walking target with a sign saying shoot me." He said as Shepard they snuck up to the airlock in Joker's cockpit.

"Thanks LT. I was aiming for a flashing neon light but close enough." Came the witty retort. They got off the ship easily enough, everyone still fast asleep. Outside the cold hit them hard but it was a normal temperature. The sort you got in Vancouver. Ashley ran ahead of them, while Shepard was stretching, trying to wake herself up.

"There's a ridge up there that we can use. Shall we? Show those aliens a proper Christmas?" Ashley pointed to a small with a ridge of snow serving as a wall. Ash was halfway up the hill when Kaidan realised that the wall was too smooth, As if somebody had formed it with their hands. Then he saw a spike sticking form behind the wall. They looked like the plate spikes of a Turian.

"Ashle…" Too late, Garrus jumped up from behind the wall and got Ashley in the face with a snowball. The marine tumbled down the hill shrieking while Garrus did a fist pump. Both Shepard and himself instinctly began scooping up snow to settle the score. Then the rest of Garrus' team appeared and the snow ball fell from his fingers.

All standing there wielding snowballs was Tali, Chakwas, Adams, the requisitions guy, several other crewmembers, Garrus. Then Liara and Wrex, yet there snowballs had the blue glow of biotics around them. They were hopelessly outnumbered. Ten to three.

"Ready! Aim!" Garrus sounded delighted even though he hated the cold. He didn't get to say fire though, as Shepard managed to get him in the face. Though Liara took up the command.

"FIRE!" Ashley was pelted by snowballs while he and Artemis used barriers to ward off the incoming fire. Though barriers weren't really a match for biotically charged snowballs. Soon he was getting pelted. Snow trickling down his neck

"Retreat!" Screamed Shepard all already legging it to a mini wall, that the enemy had been kind in providing. The enemy began to whoop with delight and glee. He and Shepard sat with backs against the wall waiting for Ash. The solider appeared by vaulting over the wall and landing in Kaidan's lap. To say she was drenched would have been an understatement.

"Okay. We need a plan of attack." Said Ashley as their cover began to be pelted with snowballs. Artemis stuck her head over for a second.

"First of all we need ammo, Chief you are in charge of making the ammo. Alenko how is your throwing arm." He grinned at his Commander.

"Great. Snowball fights are a speciality in Canada. Was also on the baseball team at school." Shepard smiled, a cheeky glint in her lavender eyes.

"Right I'll need covering fire, I will charge at their bunker. Hopefully my barrier can withstand the fire. I need you to keep a focus on Wrex and Liara. I'm going to show you all how we Tenth Street Reds won snowball fights." There was a hint of determination in her voice. Ashley mock saluted and chorused with him.

"AYE AYE COMMANDER!" They all gathered up snow, compacting them tightly and making piles. Sometimes throwing one or two at their foes. Slowly their cover was being eaten away, yet soon they had three large piles of ammo. Grinning they all took one.

"Right on three. One… Two… THREE!" With a battle cry he and Ashley began laying down covering fire as Artemis Charged up the hill, a wall of blue protecting her. Using his biotics, Kaidan threw a ball dead centre between Wrex's eyes. The Krogan fell backwards. Ashley managed at get Chakwas and the requisitions guy. Soon Liara fell to a snowball. Over the wind he could hear Garrus ordering his team.

"Liara and Wrex are down! Focus on Shepard. She can not get close. Protect Fort Normandy! Liara give us a shield." Then they all heard Shepard maniacal laughing. Whenever they heard that they all took cover as it meant Shepard was planning a massive explosion. They had found out that along with Shepard being a Kleptomaniac, she was also an explosion maniac. Be it real explosives or Biotic. Artemis had dropped her barrier and was now glowing blue. He and Ashley exchanged looks, stopped throwing and sank behind the wall. Tucking themselves up into a ball, they both kissed their asses goodbye. Soon Shepard released a shockwave and part of fort Normandy was blown apart. Kaidan was pretty sure he saw the requisitions guy go sailing though the air for three seconds.

"Argh! Fort Normandy had been breached!" There was anther bang as the last of Fort Normandy was blasted away. Shepard quickly ran back to them, diving behind the last of their cover.

"That was a bit overkill." Muttered Ashley as she surveyed the damage, Shepard had wrought.

"Really? Back in my youth we used real explosives." Said Shepard, standing up. Garrus' team had not recovered and were still picking themselves up.

"Garrus! Surrender and I may show mercy!" She bellowed. The Turian stood up, eyes narrowed at them.

"Never Shepard. You ought to be surrendering. You're outnumbered!"

"Fine. But I will accept your team member's surrenders. On the condition that they join my side!" Kaidan had to admit she was being fair. He say Dr Chakwas and Requisitions Guy both consider the option. They made their decisions pretty quickly. Soon they had those two and Tali running to their side. It was now seven to six. Very fair. The two commanders both called a truce to rebuild their cover with a limit of five minutes. With their biotics, soon they had sturdy cover. They also had a last minute defection, Liara. They were definitely going to win, especially when Shepard revealed the grand plan. Soon Garrus was counting down the seconds when he yelled Zero, he was surprised at the order of Charge and the battle cry Shepard's team yelled as they charged towards Garrus. All the biotics had snowballs trailing behind them and soon they swarmed Fort Normandy mark two…

Giggling, Ashley filled the bucket up with hot water. Garrus' feet in it. The Turian was swathed in hot blankets yet was still shaking. It was pretty much the same with the rest of Garrus' team. All shivering from having been buried up to their necks in snow. Shepard had only ordered their release when Garrus had formally surrendered, which had taken a while. Wrex was still stewing down in the cargo bay. It had taken all three biotics to bury and unbury him. Shepard had a smug grin plastered over her face as she put wet clothes on the engine coils. Her black hair stuck to her skin as it was sopping wet. The same could be said for him and Ashley. His hair was now laying flat against his scalp, something his mother had always tried to do. Garrus seemed to be cursing in Turian. Soon all of Shepard's team were singing 'we are the champions'.

Then Ashley announced they had to do a celebration conga line. Everyone joined in, putting hands on shoulders or waists. Except Garrus though, he was being a spoilsport. Soon the line was heading up to the CIC. Kaidan ran to catch up and put his hands around the waist of the woman on the end of the line. Lilac eyes turned around and Kaidan immediately blushed. Up in front Ashley laughed and Kaidan could the requisitions guy and his arms wrapped around her waist. Clearing her throat and trying to dismiss her blush, Shepard faced forward and the line started moving again.

**Next Chapter: Pressie Time and Food Fight. With special cameos.**


	7. Food Fight

**Day Seven: Food fight**

"Kaidan you are gluttonous!" Exclaimed Ashley as Kaidan returned from the Christmas buffet for the fourth time. Usually you would expect maybe the plate to be reasonably full, not piled with food. For their Christmas dinner everyone had chipped in making food for a buffet. Everyone adding their own Christmas traditions and specialities. Alenko feigned shock though it was hard as he had taken a bit out of a mince pie.

"I am not. Biotics just have a larger diet requirement." He said, barely containing the grin on his face.

"Oh really. Liara isn't stuffing her face."

"What about Wrex?" Retorted the sentinel. Ashley glanced at the Krogan who was balancing a very impressive tower of mince pies on his plate.

"He's a Krogan they have massive diets. You at this rate though soon we will be able to dress you up as Santa with no need for a pillow.

"Ow! Chief you wound me!" The two marines continued laughing as Shepard came back from her trip to the buffet, Her plate was quite similar to Kaidan's.

"Oh don't worry Ash, me and Alenko will most proberly work off the extra pounds. Okay if I try to go to the buffet table again, stop me. I don't think there will any left after a sixth trip." Ashley spluttered on her eggnog.

"SIXTH! Oh my…" Ashley just give up there and then. Earlier that morning everyone one had found sacks on the quarters deck. Each with a person's name on it. She had been shocked to find out that Artemis was as much of a gaming nerd as Kaidan. Shortly after she had found the two on ancient gaming consoles called 'Gameboy advances' playing some weird game called 'Pokemon'. The main reason why she had noticed was that Arty was whooping with delight while Kaidan was yelling in shocked tones: "Noo! Not Pikachu!" From her guesses, Kaidan had got his backside handed to him. Wrex now had a new favourite shotgun. While Tali was currently playing with an ancient human toy which involved spiral cogs and pencils. Ashley herself was pretty happy with the hardback edition of Tennyson's complete works. She had that safely tucked away in her strongbox. As soon as the Saren debacle was over it was going somewhere much more safer. Like say her apartment.

Suddenly a bit of mashed potato flew though the air and hit Shepard. Her head snapped up as she pinned the source of the fire.

"WREX!" Yelled Shepard, glaring at a chuckling Krogan. Using her biotics she flung a pie right into the Krogan's eye.

"Shepard." Came the simple reply.

"Throw food at me one more time and I will start a full on food fight." She growled. Wrex just smiled and tossed one more scoop of potato at the Commander. Silence fell across the mess hall. Shepard stood up and crossed her arms.

"Right I will give everyone ten seconds to get out of the combat zone. Donnely, Hawkins, carry Joker out please." There was a scramble as the majority of the senior staff ran, followed by Liara and Tali. Ashley quickly joined Kaidan underneath the table.

"I DECLARE A DECLARE A FOOD FIGHT!" Bellowed Shepard as she sent multiple mince pies into the Krogan. Garrus pooped us head up from a table with a mask covering his mouth.

"Overthrow She Satan!" Said Garrus, throwing food at Shepard. Ash and Alenko both looked at each other, barely containing smiles.

"Well this reminds me of high school." Commented Kaidan.

"Same here." Muttered Ashley, glancing out she could see everyone enjoying themselves in attempting to best Shepard. "Should we join the food fight mutiny? Artemis looks like she needs help." Nodding, Kaidan quickly dived out to grab ammo and handed Ashley the bowl of mashed potato. Charging out, they pelted Garrus and the mutineers, then dived over an overturned table to join Shepard.

"Reporting for duty ma'am!" Chirped Kaidan. Artemis flicked some food off her hair.

"Nice to see I have my two loyal marines…" Then someone else joined them. "Ahh nice to see you Jules." Shepard gave the requisitions guy, Jules, a curt nod. Ashley grinned at him fondly, a little too fondly thought Kaidan. Though he was distracted by a mince pie sailing over their barrier and right onto the back of his head. The four humans grinned and with a battle cry began teaching those aliens a lesson. Pretty soon they all were covered in food, except for Kaidan as he made excellent use of his biotic barrier.

Shepard dived behind cover. She paused. Had she heard Joker? Shrugging, she jumped up and delivered a biotic custard pie to Wrex's face. Getting down, Artemis realised her Omni-tool was flashing, rolling her eyes she answered it. But Joker hung up before she could speak. Making a mental note to hit Joker, she surveyed the battlefield. Kaidan was in the midst of it, barrier protecting him, though his rear shield was down… She really shouldn't but… oh what the hell!

Soon Kaidan was reeling from potato to his fine butt.

"WHAT TH… Shepard I'm on your side!" She quickly fired another volley at him but he dodged it. "Okay, that's it." Smile across his face Kaidan feigned a throw at her right side when really he aimed a mince pie at her chest. It quickly turned into Shepard against everyone else very quickly. With Jules and Ashley choosing to bunker down and stay out of it. Soon Shepard was standing left of the back wall of the lift as Kaidan threw some more food at her. Artemis ducked just in time.

Splat!

Grinning, she looked up to find everyone silent and looking very, very mortified. Especially Kaidan who had turned very pale. Tilting her head in confusion she asked them in a light-hearted tone

"What's wrong? It's not as if Kaidan got Captain Anderrr…" She trailed off. "Heee's right behind me. Isn't he?" A small whimper from Kaidan give her an affirmative. She slowly turned around to come face to face with Captain David Anderson. In his smart dress blues.. Which had an impressive cherry trifle stain running down the front. His face was blank of all emotion.

"Permission to speak freely sir?" She asked in a quiet voice. Anderson nodded. "I am in a deep, deeep, pile of crap. Aren't I?"

"To be fair I am not surprised with you. The amount of food fights that happened in N7 training. Lieutenant Alenko though…" Anderson sidestepped around Shepard and walked up to Kaidan, the poor sentinel shaking with fear.

"Alenko."

"Sir. I'm sorry. I-It w-won't happen again." Stuttered Kaidan.

"Right. I want this mess cleaned up and the last half an hour forgotten, same with the next half an hour."

"Why?" Asked Shepard. In a swift moment, Anderson picked up a nearby and, surprisingly, intact custard pie and rammed it into Kaidan's face. He fell back onto his backside from the shock. The captain suddenly grinned and yelled:

"You may continue." Then got Shepard right in the face with another custard pie…

An hour and three quarters later, the mess was spotless and so were the crew. Though Joker had taken pictures of them all in their food coated states. It turned out Anderson and Admiral Hackett had come to help the Normandy up and running again. The entire crew was made to swear never to mention the infamous food fight unless they liked being keelhauled and fed to Thresher Maws.

-0-

**Le Fin**

**Be honest, wouldn't you want to have a food fight with Wrex and Anderson?  
Garrus was wearing a mask as human food can potentially kill Turians if they eat it, same with Tali.  
Shesatan is a reference to JaerWolfe 's Fanfic Guy Talk 3: Bachelor Party. I'd recomend his/her 's fics.  
**


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